The Website That Kicked Privacy In the Patellas

First of all, let us clarify that your patellas are in fact your kneecaps and that I was not being scandalous. Now that that’s cleared up let’s talk about the website that makes my parent’s deliberate lack of presence in the yellow pages for privacy’s sake almost comical: Facebook.

Here are 10 terrible effects that I feel Facebook has on my daily life:

1. We are now all capable of being stalkers, creepers, and snoopers. There is a good chance that if for some reason someone felt compelled enough to find you on Facebook before ever even meeting you in person, they’ve already seen your baby pictures and past three boyfriends not to mention the anarchy tattoo you decided to get on your thigh in college.

2. Good luck forgetting about your ex, your enemies or that girl with the really cool Barbie jeep and mom who let her eat sugary cereal that you were always jealous of growing up. Trust me. It’s impossible and addicting. (plus side: you now have access to photos that you can practice your Photoshop skills on)

3. People now take more pictures of the mundane things in their life for the sole purpose of putting it onto Facebook. i.e. Look at my new penguin shorts! I’m going to wear them on the water slide! Here’s 39 pictures showing you in an album titled with some lyric of a terrible rap song that involves neither penguins nor water slides!

4. Status updates. I know this may seem quite preposterous but I frankly don’t care that you can’t cook Easy Mac or that you hate your chemistry class or that your roommate’s boyfriend blasts thrash metal at 2 am. Frequent status updaters make me want to stick a spork into my brain.

5. Bikini pictures. (please comment and tell me how skinny I am kthanxbye)

6. Your coolness is directly related to how many Facebook friends you have. No matter that you only met that dude once as he picked up your lipgloss when it was rolling down 6th Street and you couldn’t quite run fast enough to catch it before it hit his grimy Vans slipons. Here’s your chapstick. I’m Andrew. BAM friend request ACCEPTED!

7. Facebook is MOBILE! Yay! You on a date? A funeral perhaps? Family reunion, college graduation, your best friend’s wedding, touring Italy, your parent’s vow renewal, your brother’s basketball game, a movie, your own wedding, the birth of your first-born? Bored? Well have no fear because FB is here! Let’s see what hottie pedi-cab driver had for lunch…

8. Facebook induced fights. We’ve all been there. Some quotes from real fights I’ve heard

“So uhhh your Facebook status says single now…really cool way to be thanks for uh you know the heads up on that.”

“An open relationship? How the heck long have we been in one of those?”

“You said she wasn’t going to be at that party but there was blurry tagged photographic evidence she was! We are so over here’s your engagement ring back.”

And of course the next stage which involves vast amounts of passive aggressive and mildly emo lyrics taken 100% out of their original song’s context telling the world how grumpy you are about this Facebook induced quarrel.

9. Facebook is listed on my resume as a skill. I am proficient in Facebook. I currently have a job in which I use Facebook everyday that I adore. When asked about my Facebook skills in interviews it still boggles my mind. I made my Facebook profile my freshman year of college. Could I have saved myself three years?

10.  I’m friends with my granny on Facebook.

Yeah quite the generational phenomenon. I know that people 10 years ago didn’t have notifications and friend requests to worry about and while it may seem that I just made a list that seems to take the side of them being the lucky ones, we’re addicted and we know it. If you read down this far you really deserve a prize but instead I’ll just give you the video trailer that provoked this rant. Call me a hypocrite but I’m super pumped to see it.

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