While working full-time/multiple jobs/professional grocery mooching has been a part of my life since my sorry little tush landed in a chair labeled Higher Education, it’s not a skill that I abandoned once my exam taking days were over despite coming into more adequate life funding. Here is my treasured list I like to call “Professionally Hip & Only Mildly Shameful Income Supplementation Strategies.” <—title of list
*Steal your friend’s clothes that they never wear and see how long it takes them to notice so long as they are friends who subscribe to the rules of standard basic hygiene. A less controversial approach is do your darndest to wear what you already own (this is where I start to get twitchy)
*Block Gilt Group. Just block it. Parental control that ish you KNOW those shoes that look like little mice are going to be irresistible to you.
*Get fat. You’re never going to want to purchase an article of clothing ever ever ever again.
*Here’s where you think I say Ramen. Ramen sucks. Lucky Charms do not. Eat your weight in Lucky Charms. $4 + milk. Cheaper if you go for those 35 lb bags of generic “Sporadically Fortunate Charms” in the metal trough things. If it’s in a trough looking thing it’s just gotta be cheap
*”Oh you’re having a barbecue?” Lookie there lunch time. I’ll bring my natural charisma and share with everyone! (Put some crackers or a taquito in your chest pocket for later…lookie there dinner time)
*Get fat. You’ll never want to eat ever ever ever again.
*Make a diorama of your ten-year plan and sell it on Etsy
*Wear different shoes on either foot and enjoy people’s facial expressions/uncomfortable glances for the remainder of your day. Spinach in the teeth has nothing on this.
*Did you wake up today? Did you watch at least one Seinfeld rerun and eat at least one bowl of Sporadically Fortunate Charms and get kinda fat!? Well then color me crazy but you’re just about interesting enough to start a blog! (don’t send me your grumpies I’m poking fun at myself kthanx)
*The good majority of my friends lack adequate funding to purchase so much as a grape Popsicle. You may borrow some of them if you like.
*Bond with people over the matching holes in the armpit of your sweaters and go thrifting for new ones together. AW look we’re twinkies!
*Avoid calling potential new friends your twinkie to their face. Free and wise.
5. Do not abandon this list when more than $20 suddenly rests in your clammy little palm. Your hand will be clamped around a Pearl soon enough if you get too zealous with the “I now have money…I’m buying!” phrase.
6. Never refuse when a friend overly zealously offers to buy anything…..ever.
7. Make a comic about how fat and poor you are and show it to people. This will inevitably land you zillions of bills of dollars until of course people realize (30 years later) that it’s really super unfunny. Duces Cathy.
8. Knit your own chairs
9. If something says “free” grab it and run and evaluate what it is at a later date. Kinda like the David’s bridal dress stampede or whatever it is only hopefully in edible form.
10. Kick vending machines as you walk by always. One day one is going to be faulty and start shooting out dollars or Snickers. Either way…
I got a million ways to get it. Choose one.