The No Resolution Resolution

Insert Whimsical and Flowy New Year’s Themed Picture Here

It’s my mooost snarkiest pooost of the yeaaaar!

Perhaps the only thing I hate more than making resolutions is going to the zoo and seeing the baby polar bears doing nothing. However, that may be better than seeing them try to balance on their little toy log in the instance that they may then proceed to lose their balance, fall onto their little head, cry, weep and feel so self conscious about how many people were watching and “woahing” around the time of their fall that they slip into a depression so severe, they never want to eat again so they spend the rest of their lives shivering in the icy water that’s called failure.

"So when I fell it kinda looked like this and I've been freaking sad ever since."

…ahem. That’s kind of how I feel about resolutions. Dark ain’t it? But really three days into that juice cleanse aren’t you kinda always regretting it too? How about that gym membership that you dutifully marched in to sign up for on 1/1/11 (ooh it’s kitschy)  and have yet to escape their barbell hardened talons…oh or um go? Therefore, I boldly declare that I abhor resolutions! I prefer goals! Cherry picking words is to me as 12 ft tall puke colored hats are to Gaga! Bring on the post-it’s! I want to do all of the things! Oh herrrro 2012.

Very inspirational quote gracefully engraved onto piece of dead tree

Goals and Future Post-It’s That Will Likely Be Stuck On My Bathroom Mirror so it at Least Looks Like I’m Super Duper Trying

* Start waking up earlier – this is the hardest one for me! I just can’t seem to hear my alarm. My internal clock is permanently wonky and I must make it my slave. Originality points for this one.

* Break up my work days in order to be more efficient/health conscious work in 90 min chunks and then take a break per the Harvard Business Review. <- fancy periodical I sometimes link to in order to appear intelligent

* Cancer inducing sticks no mas. Of COURSE I’m referring to those skinny packets of Sweet ‘n Low….

* Read two books, one fiction one non, a month. That’s lowballing it. I have fallen polar bear fears remember? If I do read more, I’ll not be in cold water see?

* Walk 158 minutes a week.

* Sweaty yoga for stress not TV. Tea before sleeping not wine. Wine before cookies always.

* Take a class. Any class. Turkish cuisine! Accounting! Whatever!

* Document every purchase to see where I spend my money. “No, I don’t want this headband because I’m out of pens and therefore writing down that I bought it is going to be a real nice pain in the ass.”<–a hypothetical quote to give a nice amount of credibility to my purchase documentation idea.

* Keep my house room car tidy. I’m not dirty. I’m messy. This is where I start to feel the log getting slippery and my baby penguin pals coreographig a dance to Aerosmith’s** “Dream On”

**not dead. Neither is Bon Jovi

* Do the goals I’m keeping to myself too and not pretend they aren’t there when they get hard just because I didn’t put them on a blog.

* Invent something that sounds as dumb as “blog” and then get everyone to do it

* Eat more veggies. Eat less potatoes pasta potatoes.

* Strive constantly for poise, graciousness, self – improvement, forgiveness, empathy and time utilization with an emphasis on bettering either my mind and world or the minds and world of those around me.

* Get skinny and hot.

What are you resolving to not call a resolution this year?


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